Broken Promises

But it does provide a handy little segue-way into the topic for this weeks’ blog.

• The promises we make to ourselves.

In the last issue, we talked about what it means to live with integrity.

And I shared my view that people often have a narrow perception of what it actually means – to live with integrity.  I think we all have some understanding of how integrity manifests ‘on the outside’ but we don’t always stop to consider whether we are living with integrity ‘on the inside’.

And for those who are not fully conscious to the areas where they are not living well or are in conflict with their own heart, then they most likely won’t be aware just how much this may be undermining their peace of mind or their sense of self-worth.

So, let’s talk about PROMISES.
Someone who is living in integrity will always keep their promises – right?

Just ask yourself – how do you feel when someone makes a promise to you and then they break it?  The boss who promises the promotion that never materialises?  The relative who promises to stop gossiping about you, but never does.  The friend who regularly makes arrangements to meet up and then cancels – just a day or two beforehand.

When someone breaks their promise, we tend to feel let down, disappointed or frustrated and often, this can lead to a breakdown in trust. Because here’s the thing. If you live in integrity, then you honour your promises.

But there is something else really interesting.  When we promise something to another person, then usually – it gets done.  When you promise the boss, that the report requested will be on his desk by 9am – then most likely it is – even if it means cancelling your plans and working late into the night.  When we tell the young people in our lives that we will be at their graduation event, we show up – even if it means travelling out of town and having to make hotel arrangements. When we tell our friend that we will pick them up at the horribly inconvenient time of 4am to drive them to the airport, we keep our promise – even if it means that we feel tired for the rest of the day.

However, when it comes to the promises we make to ourselves, we are more inclined to break them.

And why is that?  Why are we so willing to keep our promises to other people and yet so easily break those that we make to ourselves?

When you make a promise to another person and you follow through, what you are really saying is “I value you enough to keep my word”.   But when you make a promise to another, and you don’t follow through, the message is just as clear.  You are saying “I don’t value you or our friendship enough to honour my word”.

And the same rules apply when you break the promises that you make to yourself.  You are confirming this belief that you are not worthy.  You don’t value YOURSELF enough to honour your word.

It is important to know that nothing will erode your relationship with YOU more than constantly breaking promises to yourself.   It is really hard to BE with yourself when you don’t trust yourself… which is what happens when you continually break the promises you make.   It leads to a lack of trust with yourself.

But when we become aware of the destruction in this behaviour, what we are doing to ourselves and how we are setting ourselves up to fail, we can make better choices.

By choosing to make our promises more intentionally.
To make less promises overall and to honour those that we DO make.

The real issue here is in the mis-trust.  And so we have to build trust with ourselves again. It is much more empowering to make a promise to yourself that you are going keep, to show up for – consistently, and by doing so, you can learn to trust yourself again.

As we do this, we will create the evidence to change the narrative of our lives:

• I’m someone who follows through on her commitments.
• I’m someone who always shows up for herself.
• Who keeps the promises she makes – to herself and to others.  
• Who is confident, and strong and creating forward momentum.

So be mindful of the promises you make.  Don’t make promises so big that you are almost guaranteed to break them and therefore ‘feeding’ the story that you are not worthy.  That you are lazy or you never follow through – you never finish anything.   Notice how you are constantly sabotaging yourself and you are disappointing yourself.  STOP making these big promises.

Let’s start healing the relationship with yourself by making smaller promises that you can keep, you can commit to showing up for.  And the more OFTEN you do that, the more you will learn to trust yourself, and the bigger your promises will get.  And the bigger your promises get, and the more you follow through on them, the bigger your life gets too.

We only get one shot at this great life, and I think it would serve us all well to learn to honour the promises that we make to ourselves.

Is there one (small) promise you could make to yourself this week?

x Until next time, sending you love x

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